Stage 2…Anger

That’s where I’m at or at least that’s what it’s felt like the past two days – stage 2 of the grieving process – anger.

I know I need to get past this and I will but right now I’m really, really angry. I think part of the thing is that I didn’t really expect to feel this way after my lap.

Even when I think back to April when I received the surprising phone call from my CC.RM nurse telling me that my 2008 HSG indicated that I had a hydro, I wasn’t really mad. I was shocked, confused…and then when I contacted my former RE about it, appeased (as I accepted the explanation she provided at the time), but now…I’m angry.

I had so much faith in my former RE – even up to recently. As much as I ‘hoped’ that Dr. K  would find something on this laparoscopy to explain my previous failures, I don’t think I actually expected him to find a hydro. Why…because I trusted that my former RE would never have proceeded with two fresh IVF cycles and two FETs had this even been a remote possibility. But she did. And I have had a uterus full of toxic fluid the whole time. And I didn’t have four years to waste. I was 34 at the time. I am 38 now. We all know what this means in IVF land.

This sucks.


11 thoughts on “Stage 2…Anger

  1. As the other ladies have said — you have every right to be mad. I'm mad for you! It is so frustrating all I've learned during my years dealing with IF in terms of how incompetent so many doc's/RE's are. I think it is totally natural and healthy to mourn the losses you've experienced (including the loss of your confidence in your old RE). The good news is you're in good hands now.

  2. I would be so mad too Jen. I hate that, 4 years of sadness, grief, tons of money, etc. etc. etc. You should at least write that RE a letter and let her know how irresponsible that was. She won't be able to fix what she's done to you but maybe she will be more careful in her practice. So sorry Jen. It sucks!

  3. Jen – Sorry you had to go through this, but at least you finally found the issue and did what you needed to correct it. For five years, the doctors told me there's no explanation why we couldn't conceive and, the few times we did, whymy body kept rejecting the embryos. Even when they ran the appropriate tests and concluded I have a Lupus Anticoagulant disorder, my RE thought I succeeded because of the extra progesterone he added – not the blood thinner (which is what I think made the difference).A nurse once told me she believed our children are out there in the universe waiting for us. I always believed there is some truth to this. So maybe now the stars are aligned right and it is time for your child(ren) to reveal themselves.

  4. Hi Jen. So sorry you are going through this. I know why you're angry. No one wants to waste time. But if it helps at all, ANYONE living outside of a reasonable car drive of CCRM has wasted time before they got there. Every other clinic, especially here, lacks something they have. I tell my docs all the time…Calgary is like a barn from the 1800's compared to CCRM. And it is one of the BEST in Canada. Imagine that. So you had no way of knowing the gaps that up north was going to have. We go into this IVF thing totally blind, trusting that our REs know all there is to know. We only know the difference once we get to a state of the art place like CCRM. As soon as you are ready, see if you can start to trust that there are reasons behind you 'losing' 4 years, and having a long road like this. This is a crucial time to have faith in the fact that we can't control everything in our lives, and there are reasons for our challenges. Focus on the next step at CCRM…..and that is what!?

  5. I would be so angry too! You have every right to be. You trusted them with your body and you trusted them to do the right thing. I can't help but think sometimes Dr's are like business men or sales people trying to take our money. I think a lot of us IF's have lost trust in a medical professional along this journey. You can't help but be angry about the time, money and embryos lost. Hang is there. Dying to know what is up next for you!?

  6. This is so frustrating! I would be angry too. You just go along with the doctor's plan because you trust them and think they know what's best. It sucks when you don't feel like they did everything right in your case and held you back in some way. Ugh – good luck moving past all this. I have a good feeling about your FET.

  7. Boy, do I know how you are feeling 😦 I mentioned the unmanaged uterine polyps in my comment on your last post. It's very hard to let go of the incompetency of my first doc, and I'm afraid I haven't really done that in the 4 years since it happened. I'll always wonder if my first 2 IVF miscarriages could have been prevented had the polyps been removed, and like you, it's hard not to wallow in the time wasted. It really sucks that I have occasion to work with the idiot in my professional life! I just hope you have success now and all of this anger will fade into the background. Hang in there…

  8. I just don't understand how that RE could have moved forward knowing your situation. It's baffling and it makes you angry! I know it's no consolation, but at least now you're armed with the "correct" information and can move forward. You have a plan and there is hope.

  9. Oh Jen, that IS angering. Natural for you to feel that way. I am going to feel that way too if there's something wrong in my HSG – my RE never gave me one (I don't even know if my tubes are open!) and I'm 2 IVF cycles into treatment with her as well. I suppose there's nothing to do except let yourself feel this way and then try to move forward. I really hope that removing this problem will clear the way for success for you. At least you are still producing lots of eggs – in fact your last cycle was the better than the ones you did when you were younger.Nothing takes away from the anger though – I'm sorry you have to go through that and hope things get getter soon.

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